Faith and Other Insomnia Driven Thoughts
by TajM
Summary: Sometimes when insomnia strikes again I keep thinking about Potter’s annoying voice chiming ‘Oh, ye of little faith!’ and I keep wondering… what more do I have to do considering he never seems to loose his? LJ Oneshot!


Sometimes when insomnia strikes (again) I keep thinking about Potter's annoying voice chiming 'Oh, ye of little faith!' and I keep wondering… what more do I have to do considering he never seems to loose his? (LJ One-shot).

**Dedicated to the HMS Marauders- Lots of love and mistletoe filled wishes! ;) **

I know I'm doing what I swore I'd never do when I started (lack of updating wise)… forgive me readers of my other stories- look for a quick note at the end… BUT DO ENJOY THIS ONE SHOT- I LOVE IT PERSONALLY! 

Faith and Other Insomnia Driven Thoughts

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_This is useless._

Once again insomnia is taken over me.

It's almost three on a Tuesday.

Cross that, Wednesday.

In anyway that means I'll have to be in class in less then five hours.

Transfiguration to be exact, I will have to be in Transfiguration in five hours running on empty.

Oh joy.

And I wish that would be something new, but lately I can never seem to find it in myself to actually sleep.

Insomnia sucks.

It truly does.

It's most likely since I can't stop thinking.

Thinking… about things that happen to make me very edgy.

Getting into the Ministry.

Voldemort.

Graduation and leaving Hogwarts.

My parents' death.

Petunia's stupidity.

And those are just some of the lighter topics to be sure.

And during this insomnia stage I let my mind wander.

Oh, don't get me wrong- I try and concentrate.

On sleeping that is.

I count sheep after countless sheep.

Say my multiplication tables.

And spell words like _onomatopoeia. _

But considering the fact that I'm still awake you can see how well those all worked.

So my mind wanders.

And I'm hopeless to stop it.

But sometimes I'm able to think about other things.

Lighter topics that at one point seemed to be the unbearable.

Perspective really is a great eye opener.

So yes I think of happy or more tolerable thoughts.

Like James Potter.

This is my deepest, darkest secret.

I think about James Potter.

I_ like_ thinking about James Potter.

And the things I think about… well… they aren't the same things I yell at him whenever we row.

My internal fifth year self is freaking out thinking 'EWE- that prat!'

But really, now with everything that happened this year… thinking of James Potter is calming.

Therapeutic almost.

Okay, no I'm not truly, madly, deeply in love with him and denying my internal whims _('thank goodness,' sighs my fifteen year old self now only slightly disgusted) _but James Potter happens to be an important part of my life and I'm not to big headed to admit that honest to goodness fact.

Now before you start mentioning _'curling you hair and brushing your teeth' _let me explains.

Since I started Hogwarts I have been practically _stalked _by a messy jet black haired, arrogant, over talented and regardless of anyone else, Marauder- James Tristan Potter.

Now he just plain annoyed me to no end.

Who did he get off thinking he suddenly had the right to treat other people like dirt- stupid prick…?

He THEN had to go and start thinking that 'hmm… So I'm practically the king of the fifth years… why not go and try something interesting… like dating the _queen_?'

_Yes a moment of vanity… _I'm his opposite in position and school wide social higharchey if you will, and the only one who could put him in his place.

It's not like he loved me (ha- him love me…) or anything. To this day I still think it was to him obvious, situated lust.

And no matter how much I'd try to jam it into his peanut (yet quite smart) sized brain… he never would give in.

He'd smirk and say, 'you'll se Evans, I'm always right.'

And that would _of course_ drive me insane… especially the constant chiming.

O yes the chiming…

Like some people would shout virtues to their children Potter would tut reminders at me. 'O ye of little faith' being one of his favorites.

Since the moment we met each other we were at each others' throats (we didn't get along very well pre-crush…)… but now… the stupid idiot had to go and change everything that was a stable for me along with the other never ending catastrophes and become… amazing.

He matured… also.

So many years of war finally took its' toll on his boyish allure- he grew up. Not many teenagers actually do but with the slowly decomposing ersatz protection of the walls of the castle… he did.

But he still has that charm and smile… That light hearted smile. Maybe he'll loose it if he lives long enough after Hogwarts… but then again maybe he won't… Honestly, I may deny this on my death bed, but I hope he never does.

So I found myself realizing that my fellow head was the only one who may just realize what I was going through. Practically everyone was going through their own family tragedies (especially now… stupid 'dark lords')… but me and Potter have a background. And when everyone from Marlene McKinnon to Sirius Black were at lost to what to say to either of us, we found our selves spilling everything during head meetings- parchment detailing plans for a unappealingly pleasant spring ball to house points forgotten.

Much more then two opposing parties should.

So in my insomnia state I keep wondering when he became so important to me.

How I may just miss him very much come this June.

How I'd probably shout at him for something insignificant, because the fact that I may miss and care about _Potter _tends to freak me out.

Then how I'd probably feel extremely horrible about it… and how he'd forgive me because that's how his quirky charisma tends to be… and I would wonder again and again how this ever occurred between me and the least likely person…

Yes, sheep really doesn't compare to this topic in particular.

So you see it's not like I find myself wondering how soft his hair would probably be to run my fingers through, or how wonderful his smile is and how it makes him look even more irresistible or how it may feel if his lips just happened to be _really _close to mine…

Often.

At least not often…

But maybe the truth is I have fallen for _Potter_, more then I'm ready to admit.

Maybe more then even my internal conscience is ready to admit.

Maybe even more then my internal conscience and I know.

And this is the point I find myself thinking every night and it drives me mad.

And tonight I just couldn't take it…

Throwing the thick scarlet (though you wouldn't be able to tell in this light- everything looks black…) comforter that was suffocating me, I walked my bare feet (that felt good in the spaces of cool wood between the carpet) to grab my robe (a formality) before walking speedily down the stairs…

Approaching the middle of the common room were I thought I'd sit and stare at the fire drowning in my own misery created by my own stupidity- fall asleep and wake up there before anyone finds the head girl dangling over a chair, I saw a silhouetted figure who apparently stole my idea.

And as clichéd, annoying fates would have it, that somebody happened to be the same particular somebody I think a lot about.

No, not Voldemort, if you were thinking certain morbid thoughts.

But Potter… Which is slightly morbid in its own respect when you think about it, isn't it?

Planning on turning right back on my heal, those annoying clichéd fates happened to act once again and I heard that calming mellow voice (that could send shivers down my spine), "Lily?"

Maybe I would snap, 'what do you think I live to stalk you Potter?' but I couldn't find it in cold heart to say that… especially when he sounded so soft… and kind.

"James?" O… good comeback Lily. You showed him.

"Are you okay?"

"Peachy, you?"

"Lily it's late- on a Tuesday night."

"Shows what you know Potter, it's Wednesday morning." I said a-matter-of-a-factly. O- I still got it… even in the early morning.

"You win." He said crossly but even I could tell in the dim glow of the fire he was smiling tiredly. "Want to join me?"

This was probably were that whole 'friend' thing began… I should stop now.

"Sure," I said and suddenly found myself sitting quite closely next to him on the

best chair in the whole common room.

It's quite squishy really, and quite big… but it's still a close fit.

I would never imagine in fifth year I'd ever do _this_, ever.

"Are you okay?" he asked seriously this time.

I sighed, shaking my head deciding to play with his hand instead… talking under my breath.

"You know you're not _that _good looking."

He stared at me quizzically… and chuckled. "I never said I was… recently."

Now I was on a roll.

"And you're not that smart."

"You're better at potions then me that's for sure."

"And charms!"

"And charms," he agreed.

"And you're not that great."

"If you say so," he said staring at me with fixed amusement.

"And I don't really have to like you that much."

"Lily can you stop doing this now?" he sighed causing me to stare in his hazel eyes… slightly shocked really… he seemed kind of angry… why would he be angry? I was simply mentioning how he wasn't worth my insomnia…

But hearing him say it… hurt.

"Lily… can you please stop it and let me finally kiss you?" he said smiling softy… giving me a look… that… mirrored and made me realize his insomnia might just be relative.

"I don't know can you?" I said arrogantly in a very-fifth-year-me manner (though inside I felt QUITE jittery) as he laughed and leaned down.

And I can tell you this… have faith… because it felt fine… just very perfectly fine…

:) ;) :D :) ;) - :) ;) :D :) ;) - :) ;) :D :) ;) - :) ;) :D :) ;) - :) ;) :D :) ;) - :) ;) :D :) ;)

**Yes… I realize that's a pathetic idea for a border line!**

**And I don't personally like the ending! Sorry… it was only an idea!**

**PLEASE review and I swear to send a reply… also do read the following note! I adore reviews… they help tons!**

Okay here's the deal… I just started high school and, gosh honors classes are hard when you're behind! But now I have vacations up to **January 14th** so expect lots of updates including-

-A chapter for SMALL STEPS very soon! (VERY soon…sry but writer's block never helps… but I'd NEVER give up on my baby!)

-A one-shot coming VERY soon called **Jealousy Along With a Bottle of Firewhiskey**. (LJ)

-And if anyone reads THAT… a sequel to it!

-A HUGE change in how QUIRK OF FATE is going… that'll hopefully improve it!

-AND MORE ONE-SHOTS!

Remember give me time cause I love you all… It'll be fine! I SWEAR… wish me luck studying for my finals on the 24th of next month too:) **PLEASE REVIEW!**

_Like always,_

_TajM_


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